I’m pretty familiar with many of the typical traits of depression – they’ve kept me company for many winter months over the last 2 decades or so…
Changes in appetite
Changes in sleep pattern
None of the above have been strangers to me – they have become so familiar that even when I am not an emotional wreck I still know that I am in the grips of a depression because of my total fucking apathy.
In recent months I have missed so many opportunities/events that ‘normal’ me would be buzzing about with zero fucks given.
But this time is different. This time is scaring me because now I am ticking all the boxes.
For the first time ever, I am completely absorbed with feelings of guilt and failure. I am fucking failing at life.
I know where I want to be but I just can’t seem to get there. It feels as though I have fallen through the thin ice of a frozen lake and whilst I can see where I need to be in order to resume my life, every time I reach for it, I am plunged under again as everything that I try to anchor myself to falls away from beneath me.
This scares me. I have never lost sight of my worth before. Feeling shame for my pathetic existence.
As I laid in bed the other night, hoping that I would be told the following day that I could return to work soon, my mind cleared of work-related concerns.
All I could focus on was my obituary. What good could even be said? Who would even come to my funeral?
I have never had such a strong urge to stop existing.
And that fucking terrifies me.
I feel I am losing the fight against this darkness.