I am not a needy person; I don’t want you to think that. I am not demanding; nor am I someone who pours out their soul whilst in the company of friends. Yet I cannot figure out why I so often find myself so fucking alone.
I don’t have insanely high expectations of my friends. I don’t feel that I am demanding in any way, shape or form. All I want is a friend to be able to text and say, “Fancy a coffee? Pop over!” or “Want to hang out a bit later?” I really don’t think that is an unrealistic expectation to have? Or maybe it is?
I have reached the point where I am done being the person to try to set up plans with friends, only to be cancelled on, or to have to ‘book’ with them months in advance. What happened to just being able to hang out with a friend without needing to fucking schedule it in?
My best friend lived in London for close to a decade. Due to the fact that it physically wasn’t possible to ‘grab a quick coffee’ we made a point of setting up ‘bestie dates’ and would go out for dinner in Central London once a month. Sure, it meant we only saw each other once a month but at least those 4 hours were quality time when we could really shoot the shit. At the beginning of 2017 she moved to my area and started renting my apartment which is approximately 30 seconds down the road from where I am currently living. She has been there close to 5 months and I can count on one hand, and have fingers to spare, the number of time I have seen her.
I am done with asking people if they’re free at the weekend. Done with “Time for a quick coffee?” texts. I don’t understand when it suddenly became so hard to maintain a friendship. Can people just not be fucked anymore? Friends are always having someone over for dinner, or spending time with parents. I guess sometimes you get to know someone so well that you assume that they’re always going to be there. You forget that friendship doesn’t need time, care and nurturing. Sometimes people forget to remember you.
Don’t get me wrong, I would rather have a couple of really good friends than a bunch of acquaintances but is wanting some company really such a huge fucking demand? I am so.damn.lonely. With the exception of my daughter, the children I teach and my fitness class participants, I have very little social interaction with others. This is not through choice.
How do you reach out to people without screaming, “I fucking need you ok? Friends are supposed to be there for each other and I need you right now, so be there for me. Please!” I am not that kinda girl – I am not the one who lets people know I am falling apart. That’s why I come here and let my real emotions spill anonymously onto the page. I don’t want to burden people; no one does but I would just like to be remembered once in a while. Is that genuinely too much to ask?