“Which way is up when your high is low?”

An important question posed by my ultimate Rock Hero, Brent Smith of Shinedown.  That’s the thing with mania – it’s not satisfied with taking over your entire being and controlling your desires, urges and actions, it’s also an indecisive motherfucker!  This video, these lyrics encapsulate how I feel right now.

I had a 5 hour drive yesterday for work-related training.  I needed the time alone so badly.  I had a lot on my mind.  A lot.  Even though it feels that these long lonesome rides are exactly what I need, they can also be my worst enemy.  Yes, the long drive helps me to clear my head, let off steam and most importantly, just be alone, allowed to be me.  However, this is often the time when I have my worst impulsive thoughts and make rash decisions.  Driving along with my pedal to the metal, I was flying high.  Life could not be better – things were goooooooooood!  I was invisible.  I was enough.  In the blink of an eye, it turns to black.  Why am I here?  What am I good for?  Death would be an end to the eternal turmoil of my mind.  Just yank the wheel; it’ll be over so fast.

Only my tiny remaining sliver of rationalisation reminds me that I don’t always feel this way.  I am not persistantly fucked up.  A lot of the time I am stable.  The majority of the time I am a good person.  I am worth living for.

How is it possible to simultaneously feel incredibly high and so exponentially low?  THIS right here is my danger zone.  This is the zone that will end up with me dead or hospitalised.  Perhaps I know this and that is why I choose to run away – to hide the dirty, dark side to me from those who love me.  They don’t deserve to see this.  And so I do the best I can by them; I hid it until ‘I’ am back.

But what if this is the real me?

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The Bitch is Back…

I am referring to that blood-sucking whore, mania.  Seriously, who invited you?  Life was going great – riding the waves of reality with the occasional slip and tumble but that’s life, shit happens.  You lift yourself up, drag yourself back onto the board, spitting the salt water out as you clamber straight back onboard without a backwards glance.

But what happens when you are riding high?  There you perch. At the top.  The peak.  It’s incredible; the view, the vibe, the invincibility.  The hunger, the insatiable appetite for life, sex, cigarettes, alcohol, fast cars, music.  You practically vibrate with your life-force.  Nothing. Is. Enough.

But I’ve been here before.  The fall-out ain’t pretty.  This bitch is an ugly, remorseless stranger who envelopes you. She tempts you, seduces you, beckons you over to the ‘dark side.’  This slut uses you to get her fix, chews you up, spits you out and leaves you looking around at the carnage wondering, “What the fuck just happened?”

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And the scariest thing?  The. only. way. is. down.

Fuck.