I’m not ashamed of my truth. I am ‘out’ about my condition but do people realise that I wouldn’t change it for the world? Probably not.
Of course, I take my medication like a good little girl but I refuse to take the cocktail of uppers and downers which my consultant recommends because in all reality, I wouldn’t be me if I did.
I take just enough of my medication to ‘pass for normal’ and to live a high-functioning life that allows me to generally go undetected through the ‘Crazy Radar.’ People generally just assume I’m eccentric or friendly (both true) and seem to feel much more comfortable with that.
But the real truth is that my medication merely dilutes the crazy. Am I dangerous? Hell no. I have bipolar disorder, I’m not a sociopath. However, my mind works differently to most. And you know what? I love that. I was recently told that I think too much. Bullshit. There is no such thing as thinking too much. Without thought, we are merely robots and one thing my life has taught me is that I have never felt comfortable fitting in. I would much rather over-analyse everything and feel alive than numb myself to all that surrounds me.
To quote my musical hero, Brent Smith of ‘Shinedown’ “Maybe I like that I’m not alright…” Yeah, I said it. I like it. I wouldn’t get rid of this illness if I had the choice. Sure, I’d get rid of the diagnosis because that brings with it a whole heap of drama but my mind is beautiful and I’m keeping it.
The thoughts I have are not like those of the people around me. Or if they are, they keep their truth really well hidden. I love that I notice the little things. I love that I experience things with such intensity. I love that colours are brighter. I see the world through a child’s eyes much of the time. Why would I want to dull that awe with medication and through being worn down by life to such an extent that I take it for granted? Fuck that.
On Sunday I took a drive to the Cotswolds. If you are unfamiliar with it, google it. It is a gem. I had a training course to attend for a certain Z-related dance trend but my mood required a serious lift so I took the scenic route.
It took my breath away.
Being surrounded by nature is guaranteed to ground me and bring me back to myself. The beauty of my surroundings sent a buzz of awe through me. My trusty old car meandered along country lanes that were dappled with sunlight through a canopy of trees, nature’s tunnel that would then dissipate to reveal a patchwork of fields and forests.
When you lose trust in humanity, retain faith in nature. It cannot fail to let you down.
I will leave you with the couldn’t-have-put-it-better-myself words of Brent Smith:
“Am I sick or am I gifted?…
Maybe it’s me, I’m just crazy;
Maybe I like that I’m not alright”
Have a truly beautiful day 🙂