My heart hurts. It feels like it has turned black and could burst right out of my chest. Yet the pain is not mine to own; rather it belongs to a friend of mine. Sometimes you would do anything to take away someone else’s pain, right? This is one of those times.
For the last year or so she has been involved in a secret ‘relationship’ that can only be described as toxic. She knowingly got involved with a colleague of hers who has mental health problems. Having a brother with Bipolar Disorder she is no stranger to the challenges that loving someone with mental illness can bring. Her and this guy loved each other; there is no doubt about that. But due to her wish to commit and his inability to be able to, due to the issues that he was trying to work through meant she spent much of her time in agony; unable to live with him, yet unable to live without him.
They experienced a rare magnetism that we experience maybe once or twice in a lifetime – you know how it goes; no matter what you do to try to move on from them, insisting your life will be better off without them, you are repeatedly drawn back together through the hands of fate. The times when you are with them you just feel so damn alive…
I have never met this guy. All I know is that she adored him; she would have moved mountains to be with him. I also know that he caused this strong and independent woman insurmountable pain. In addition to this, I know that he must have been incredible guy because she isn’t the kind of girl to put up with someone repeatedly giving her shit – this girl is one tough cookie.
Multiple times they agreed that enough was enough – they wanted different things from life and while that was the case there was no point continuing their ‘unofficial relationship.’ While their minds knew their reasons, their hearts felt differently. So many times it was meant to be over. But it never was over.
Early one morning this week she found his body. He had taken his own life. Just like that, he was gone.
My heart is in pieces for her. For him. For what is left behind. For that which never was. All I can think about is, “What were their last words to each other?” or “Did they both know how loved they were by the other?” and “Were their final words to each other full of kindness and sincerity?” I truly hope that the answer to each of these questions won’t keep her awake at night. As humans, we have a tendency to assume that there will always be time to ‘make it up’ or express our apologies later. But tragedies like this prove that the time to speak is now; there may not be a later.
Another thing that hurts my heart is that because they were never officially ‘together,’ her grief is going to be dwarfed by those who “really knew him” – I cannot imagine the pain of having to stand at his funeral knowing that she was probably closer to him at that point in time, than to anyone else in the world. But to the mourners, family members and friends of this man, she will appear invisible. She will be viewed as merely another acquaintance who came along out of respect to someone within her work or social circle. Can you imagine the pain?
How do you ever move on from something like this? Is it even possible?