I Will Try to Fix You…

chooselife_notsuicide

I spoke several weeks ago about the complete tragedy that has turned my friend’s entire world upside down in the post Broken…

Several weeks on and she is a shadow of her former self.  I would give anything to take away her pain.  It breaks my heart to know that there is absolutely nothing that anyone can say or do in order to ease her pain and end this real-life nightmare.

All I have been able to do is offer her my friendship in its entirety.  We have spent many evenings together as she weeps, sobs, shouts and gazes into space.  We have sat in Starbucks as tears stream down her face and staff try to politely hint that we should leave, as they sweep around our feet and gather away our numerous oversized coffee mugs.  This is a situation that no amount of hazelnut skinny lattes is gonna solve.

She is not eating.  Not surprisingly, it is not too high on her list of priorities now.  Her clavicles protrude and her face is gaunt, her eyes circled with the dark smudges of insomnia of the last 5 weeks.  She can no longer sleep.  She is too scared to because when she awakes, she has that blissful few seconds before reality comes crashing back to her like a fatal blow.  Even if this wasn’t the case, she cannot find sleep because that day has now made her scared of the dark and scared of closed doors because now she will always fear what lies behind.

This powerful, strong and vibrant woman is shattered.  She is close to unrecognisable in both physical and mental appearance.  I feel so very fucking helpless.  So insignificant.  There is quite literally nothing that can be said or done to fix this.  She feels insurmountable guilt that she could have prevented this.  She insists that 24 hours was all that was needed for the love of her life to come through the other side.  But in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

It is bad enough that she has lost him forever and without warning.  However, add to that the fact that she was the one to discover him.  I can’t even begin to imagine how a person ever gets over discovering someone who has committed suicide; let alone when it is the love of your life.

And so today they laid him to rest.  It has been 5 weeks.  Far too long.  She just wants it over and done with.  She needs to begin the grieving process, she needs to begin to accept that he is gone and go through the emotions of grief, anger and despair and maybe one day, healing.

This situation has wreaked havoc with my mind.  As I sit with this broken woman in her apartment, providing her with cups of tea, silence, words of encouragement, and a bag filled with colouring books, pencils and pens (which she was completely overwhelmed by) it has made me realise the complete and thorough impact of suicide.  Only 6 months ago, I was at that point.  I was done and spoke of how I had reached my lowest point in Have you taken your meds?  The pain of existing was too much and I had already decided how those I would leave behind would live happily ever after without me.

But now as I look at this shattered soul who sits in front of me, I realise just how huge and far-reaching the impact of suicide is.  Perhaps this experience has saved my life.  Perhaps it has saved many others.  I hope that his tortured soul now rests in peace.

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