Trust.

When am I gonna learn?  Time and time again, I tell myself not to trust others, not to let them in because ultimately it will only result in me getting hurt. Again.

And again.

Why do I find it so fucking hard to take my own advice? When am I going to learn that not everyone thinks like me, not everyone speaks the truth like me?  People are liars.

When I am going to learn this lesson?

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Huge.

Something incredible has happened.  And I mean INCREDIBLE.

Now if you know me, which you don’t, you will know that I despise bullshit more than anything else in the world.  It is the ultimate turn-off.  So those that really know me, know that I do not lie.  I have no need to.  I don’t give a fuck about impressing people and I have certainly never desired to fit into anyone’s boxes.

Something has happened.  It is currently MASSIVE but has the potential to be gargantuan.  But the problem is, that I can’t write about it here.  Damnit.  I can write about everything here. And there lies the problem.  This news involves the public eye, and as a result if I shared the details here and then it all came off, the anonymity of my blog would be lost.

Fuck.

Now I am not someone who is concerned by celebrity – If I see friend of mine even glance over the cover of a ‘Heat’ magazine I automatically start to question why we are friends.  I admire the people I admire – they generally have strong characters, excessive intelligence or massive talent.  I am not the sort of person who is impressed by all that celebrity bullshit.

But most people are.

If I told you the news, you wouldn’t believe me.  It sounds like bullshit.  I certainly wouldn’t believe it.  However, every story has a past and for that reason all of those who truly know me, 100% believe what has happened and are thrilled.  However, and this is a big however, there are some very, very sad and pathetic people in the world who cannot be happy for another’s success.  They cannot take something at face value and see that the person has absolutely nothing to gain by making shit up.  Those who know my character can see that it’s not the sort of lifestyle I would ever strive for and therefor why would I concoct fantasy bullshit about it? Yes, if it all ‘comes off’ most people in that position would move to Hollywood quicker than you can say “Visa.” I cannot think of anything worse.

And here’s the other thing.  I have bipolar disorder.  Despite the fact that I am one of the most genuine people you could ever meet, people in their assumptions assume that I must be delusional.  They ignore the history and hard facts which prove that this news is the genuine article.  All they see is “She’s bipolar = She’s delusional”

Now I’m not gonna lie.  That hurts.  That really hurts. Calling me a liar hurts me above anything else.  People can think what they like about my illness, crazy hair, tattoos, music I listen to, friendships that I have (predominantly with males) because it merely shows how uneducated and ignorant they are.  But once they start to doubt whether I am genuine; it rips my heart out.

I have nothing to prove to anyone. I have never been the type to impress others by hiding behind an ‘image’ or materialistic shit.  It simply isn’t me! So why would I make this stuff up?  The answer: I wouldn’t.

But there are haters.  People who are so consumed with jealousy and insecurities within their own lives, that they turn that ugliness towards others.  I have had people who I casually converse with, actively avoiding me since the ‘news’ came out.  I can only assume that they don’t want to be around the ‘clearly delusional woman.’

I have had others who are clearly so consumed for their need for ‘celebrity,’ friend request me on Facebook.  These are women who have been in my social/business circle for years yet have treated me with nothing but contempt or have simply refused to acknowledge my existence.  Yet NOW they want to know me.  Funny that. How fucking stupid do they think I am?  Obviously, they have been denied.

As a result, I have chosen to deactivate my Facebook account.  I wish I could do it permanently but sadly it is linked to my business account which means that I need to post regularly in order to engage my clients and encourage attendance.  Ugh.  And let’s not even get into the ‘Stalky Facebook Friend’ who took it upon himself to inundate me with Messenger messages which were just full of absolute tripe and bullshit.  Needless to say, he’s an old, unattractive failed actor who can’t for a moment bear to see anyone else have success.  What a fucking moron.  God bless the ‘Block’ button.

The last week or so has purely enforced my opinion that the majority of people are assholes who treat others by their own actions and do not deserve a moment of my time.

Don’t even get me started on the Trump catastrophe…

Hacked.

I’m back.

On Monday ‘someone’ attempted to hack my Facebook account – I know this only because I was sent an email by Facebook verifying that I have requested to reset my password (I hadn’t).  Coincidentally this happened just hours after ‘surprising me’ by turning up at the garage where I was having yet more work done on my piece of shit money pit car.

I went into lockdown mode.  He point-blank denied it but of course he would.  At that point, I altered all of my email passwords and locked this site down.  I panicked.  Not that he would have found anything in my email or Facebook account but it was the absolute invasion of privacy that sent me to the point of no return.

If you were to look at my Facebook or Instagram accounts, you would have no idea what I am going through in my life right now, other than I am ‘a bit stressed’ – ha!  Understatement of the year.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people who paints a perfect picture of their life in order to make others feel insecure about theirs but I also am not the sort of person to air their dirty laundry in public.

And that is why I am here.  It is no-one else’s Goddamn business what is going on in my life. If I want to talk about it with them, I will; splashing it over Facebook is not my style.  Not one little bit.

Those who really know me can tell that something is seriously wrong but my Facebook account would never give it away.  On Monday, all hell broke lose between the hours of 9am and 4pm.  By that evening I was posting Halloween posts of my daughter.  Am I being fake? No.  Am I just having to get on with it? Yes.

Anyone with children will know that their emotional well-being is paramount.  I cannot let my daughter see me scared.  I cannot let my daughter see me with mascara streaming down my face, like Alice fucking Cooper.  I have to protect her from that shit.  Seeing me upset affects her deeply (she has ASD).

Last Christmas I was at the lowest point I had ever reached.  I had decided how I would kill myself and who would take my place as her mother (I know, I know). Suicidal people are not necessarily logical people.

I have very little recollection of last Christmas.  It was a very dark time that I seem to have mentally blocked.  What I do remember is that she saw me cry. Twice. She is not like other kids – it messed her up. Her condition means that she does not display the kind of resilience that most other kids show.  She does not ‘bounce back’ like others do. She still lives in fear of seeing me fall apart again.

So I vowed it wouldn’t.

Here’s the thing – even if my life is in tatters, my ‘real life’ friends won’t see it.  I know that I can talk to them if I want to but certain things cannot be said to my friends. No matter what is happening in my life; they will not ‘see’ it.  No-one will see it because I am a very private person. I cannot fall to pieces.  It is simply not an option.  I have to be strong for the sake of my daughter.  Besides, if I fall apart, there’s a chance I may never put myself back together again.