I am declaring 18th November ‘National Go Fuck Yourself Day’
I am done. I am sick of selfish assholes making me feel like shit.
If I stop caring, I can’t hurt anymore right? I cannot waste any more energy on people who put me at the bottom of the pile. Fuck them.
Today I was supposed to running a large charity fitness event to raise funds for an incredible local charity. I sold 6 tickets. Six.
This resulted in me having to cancel the event as ticket sales wouldn’t even cover costs of hall hire etc.
In addition to this, this afternoon I was due to meet friends I haven’t seen in almost a year for afternoon tea. It had been planned for months – as always I was the person who had organised it.
I invited 6 people – 3 of them ignored the invitation, 3 of them accepted. And so I called ahead giving the required 24 hours notice for the restaurant to prepare accordingly.
The 3 who had confirmed ended up not attending, informing me a couple of hours before we were due to attend.
3 being ALL of them.
I invited practically every person I knew in the hope that I could fill the spots that would have to be paid for.
Not one person accepted.
So there I sat with my 6 year old, trying to smile and cover the tears that pricked at my eyes.
I can’t do this anymore, I’m done.
I hurt. So fucking much. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my whole life.
I made the stupid mistake of reaching out last week. My best friend of over 30 years had complained that I never shared what was going on inside my head with her.
I’m just not that type – I’m the one who is always smiling, always helping others and doing good deeds for the community, not dwelling on the shit that eats me up inside.
I am not the sort to say how awful I really feel. The people in my life don’t need to hear that.
Last week was bad. Really bad. So I threw caution to the wind and thought, “Fuck it!” I’m gonna tell her.
I now remember why I never tell her anything.
I waited for the obligatory “You ok?” text that I get every so often to decrease her guilt of not seeing me (she lives 30 seconds from my house, is not married, nor does she have kids). So I explained for once that no I really wasn’t ok and had even self-harmed the day before (something I haven’t done in a long time).
“I’m sorry to hear that. Wish I could help.”
She then proceeded to cancel our plans that we had made for Tuesday night (which I knew she would) and I’ve not heard from her since.
I find it staggering that someone can watch their ‘best friend’ going through crisis and simply turn away. I had conditioned myself to reply “I’m fine,” whenever she asked because I knew that my response didn’t really matter; she was just ‘going through the motions’ of friendship.
I am so mad at myself for believing that this time she meant it.
There’s a reason that I have built up these walls around me. My heart is delicate; so easily broken. Each let down and disappointment takes me one step further away from the bubbly, giving person who inherently trusts with wholehearted belief.
My heart blackens as I fade away to become the shell of the woman I once was.
It is easier to be numb. Cut off all emotion from those who can damage you. I have been burned so many fucking times, yet each time I tell myself, “This time it’ll be different!”
“You need new friends” people tell me. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t put myself out there only to be humiliated and rejected all over again. I just can’t.
I just need this pain to stop.
I’ve just self-harmed. I’m so angry at myself. I can’t remember the last time I hurt myself to make the pain go away.
He pushed me. And pushed me.
I screamed at him to leave me alone as the red mist descended.
When my mind reaches that place I need to be alone.
Just me, myself and I.
Pushing my buttons will make me explode.
But he refused to leave.
He stayed and he pushed.
And he pushed.
And he pushed.
Screaming at me. Hitting himself with rage.
There was nowhere to direct the anger that was boiling within;
I did the only thing I know how to do.
I direct the rage inwards
I hurt myself.
The rage has now passed and the fog has lifted. And only now does the pain of what I did, begin to seep into my conscious alongside my pain receptors.
I can’t do this alone.