Failure

I’m pretty familiar with many of the typical traits of depression – they’ve kept me company for many winter months over the last 2 decades or so…

Low mood

Changes in appetite

Changes in sleep pattern

Irritability

Confusion/poor concentration

Suicidal ideation

Decreased energy

None of the above have been strangers to me – they have become so familiar that even when I am not an emotional wreck I still know that I am in the grips of a depression because of my total fucking apathy.

In recent months I have missed so many opportunities/events that ‘normal’ me would be buzzing about with zero fucks given.

But this time is different. This time is scaring me because now I am ticking all the boxes.

For the first time ever, I am completely absorbed with feelings of guilt and failure. I am fucking failing at life.

I know where I want to be but I just can’t seem to get there. It feels as though I have fallen through the thin ice of a frozen lake and whilst I can see where I need to be in order to resume my life, every time I reach for it, I am plunged under again as everything that I try to anchor myself to falls away from beneath me.

This scares me. I have never lost sight of my worth before. Feeling shame for my pathetic existence.

As I laid in bed the other night, hoping that I would be told the following day that I could return to work soon, my mind cleared of work-related concerns.

All I could focus on was my obituary. What good could even be said? Who would even come to my funeral?

I have never had such a strong urge to stop existing.

Just stop.

And that fucking terrifies me.

I feel I am losing the fight against this darkness.

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