I’m ‘The One’…

Another evening spent sat waiting for a friend who will never show up and won’t even realise they’ve forgotten to show.

It doesn’t sound like a big deal I guess because it isn’t. You have an evening planned alone, so you invite a friend over for a ‘Girls’ Night In’ – the day before they say they let you know for sure. And then. Nothing.

It’s easily done. I get it – life is hectic, crazy and jam-packed with responsibility and ‘To-Do Lists’ – it’s very easy to forget an invitation. It happens.

But here’s the thing. When you’ve been rejected your entire fucking life then being the person your friend forgot about, hurts. It hurts a fucking lot. Those scabs that never quite healed, get picked at and the ugliness bleeds out from within.

The thing is; I’m The One. The girl whose friend forgets to turn up, the girl whose Birthday gets forgotten about. I am The One who invited 25 people to my hen party (bachelorette party) only to have no-one RSVP.

No one.

Let me let that just sink in. Can you imagine the humiliation that created? And the feelings of inadequacy that still remain?

I am ‘The One’ who attempts charity events / sponsored walks etc, only to have no one other than my mother and partner sponsor me. I am The One who asks a friend over for coffee (she knows I’m struggling because my husband told her) to be told, “Sorry, Tuesday is Boxercise! 😦 “

Fucking sad face!!! As if to say “ugh I know it sucks that I can’t possibly miss one fucking class for someone I’ve known 30 years!”

I never reach out for help. These types words are my therapy. I do not wish to burden others with the darkness of my mind.

However, I reached out to a friend of mine who I had helped through a time where he was contemplating suicide on a daily basis. I was there for him for every second of it. He still says that he would not still be here if it weren’t for my help. So I reached out. I figured at least he would get it. I told him that right now just existing hurts too much. Wanna know what he said?

“At least you’re lucky enough to have the day off work!” and then proceeded to moan about how cold he was and how much he ached.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

I reached out and THAT was the response I get. At least you’ve got the day off?!? Not only is that HUGELY insensitive, the thought clearly hasn’t even crossed his mind that I am alone. All day.

Being alone all day for someone with dark thoughts and suicide ideation is not a safe scenario. Not in the slightest.

I am a good person. I run a kindness project online. I take food and clothing to people sleeping rough in my town. I am the person who will let you have the last slice of pizza.

And I think that’s the problem. Being nice gets you nowhere. It doesn’t get you friends and it doesn’t influence people. It means you find yourself sat at home alone, yet again with nothing but a pot of yellow hair dye for company.

I am lonely as hell but it makes me realise why being alone is probably the better option for me. Feeling rejected just brings up too many feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment and disappointment.

Loneliness isn’t fun. At all. But at least you know where you stand.

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