I am no stranger to the wonders of this illness during the times of hypomania – everything more vibrant, exciting, feeling so fucking alive as the blood pulses through my veins.
But right now, I am pissed at this disorder. I look in the mirror and barely recognise myself. My hair perpetually scraped up into a fresh-from-the-shower messy bun and my eyes void of my staple ‘cat’s eyes eyeliner.’ As I look down at my slipper-socked feet and cosy North Carolina hoodie, I have to ask myself, “Where did I go?”
The countdown has begun to my return to work. My GP suggests that Friday would be an ideal day to return to work, as only having one day to get through before the weekend will help me to gain confidence in social situations. That gives me approximately 3 days to ‘find myself’ again.
I am not suicidal, I have not fallen that far. I have been far worse than this in the past but I am blank with the exception of the overwhelming anxiety that crashes over me every time I attempt to leave my house. I feel like such a pussy. What am I so afraid of? What is the worst that can happen? Why is the thought of leaving these 4 walls so terrifying?
On the rare few occasions that I have managed to leave, I felt so awkward and uncomfortable within my own skin that I wanted to run and hide. Making eye-contact is almost painful and I feel that as well-meaning people look into my eyes, they can spy my deceit as I ‘smile’ with the standard, “I’m fine!” response.
The only place I find peace and solace is within a drug-induced sleep, or within the pages of a book. Within those pages I experience none of my own emotions; I merely escape into the lives of the fictions characters who whisk me away from the depths of my mind.
Despite feeling so alone, I have zero desire to socialise. On
days weeks like these, just the thought of looking at my phone makes me feel sick to the stomach. What the fuck am I so afraid of? I guess it’s because finding a stack of messages from people assumes that a response is required. However, I am not the sort of person to ask for help, I am not the sort of person who spills negativity in the direction of others. I am not their problem, whether they want me to be or not.
And so I come here, spilling the thoughts of my mind on this pristine white page.