Shades of Grey…

At what point does bipolar disorder end and Asperger’s Syndrome begin?

I had not realised until recently that the 2 conditions frequently exist in a state of co-morbidity.

My entire life, I have felt like a square peg trying so hard to ‘belong’ – at school, college, university, the workplace.

I have never wanted to ‘be like the others’ – I just wanted to be accepted. To have friends, to be myself without judgement.

Which elements of me are the aspects that others stay away from, the pink hair? The ability to speak nothing but the truth? The generous nature that puts others before myself, always.

I am literally clueless as to why I find myself alone, whilst those who hide behind multi-faceted facades seem to be surrounded by friends.

I would be friends with me. I am honest, real, intelligent, witty, generous and loyal but apparently that is not what people want.

I cannot be something I am not. I was once sent a card that read “I tried to be normal once: worst 2 minutes of my life.”

Such honest words. I cannot be what I am not. I will not be what I am not.

So I will remain in my quirky little bubble – my 1 woman Wolfpack containing me, myself and I.

I have to accept that I will always be misunderstood.

My honesty will be interpreted as bullshit. My generosity will continue to be treated as a scam used as a form of ulterior motive.

My straight-talking will be misconstrued as passive-aggressive.

My thoughtfulness and generosity will be identified as intensity.

My pensive nature will be deemed as moody or rude.

My friendliness will be assumed as flirting.

I do not have the energy to ‘prove myself’ anymore.

Not anymore.

This is me. People have chosen to ‘leave it’ but I’ll ‘take it’ I accept who I am. I love who I am. Sadly others don’t but as a quote I once saw read, “What other people think of you is none of your business…”

So here I am. Just me, myself and this white page ready to accept the thoughts that tumble about in my confused and lonely brain.