Life throws some weird shit at you sometimes. 3 weeks ago something horrendous and huge happened to me which I don’t really want to talk about right now but it was a game-changer and I’ve spent much of the last few weeks in tears, unable to sleep and generally just going through the motions of life.
Last week, out of the blue amidst all the insanity of what was going on in my life, I received a voicemail from a guy making a film, asking me if I would consider taking part, as they were looking for someone like me to be in one of their scenes.
My first thought was, “Are you fucking kidding me? Could your timing be any worse? I am going through some full-on shit right now and I’m being asked to take part in a film project?” But then I thought to myself, maybe that’s exactly why I should say yes. I needed something else to focus on, something fun to distract me from my thoughts. And so I thought, “Fuck it!” and before I knew what I was doing, I’d text back the number the guy had left agreeing to take part.
Sometimes you just have to say “Yes!” Granted, the timing was awful but it ended up being something positive to focus on, whilst reminding me that life is about taking opportunities as and when they occur. It’s highly unlikely I would ever get a chance to do something like this again so I decided to embrace the bad-timing and throw caution to the wind.
I have just returned from the shoot. I am so glad I agreed to take part. What a buzz. Despite only being a small production there were cast and ‘film folk’ everywhere. It was really fun talking with the director about the kind of shots they wanted and how many retakes they thought they would need to get the desired effect. I can’t wait to see the project once its been edited and released.
If you ever get an opportunity to be in a film, no matter how bizarre or ill-timed the offer may be, take it. I highly recommend the experience. I’ve gotta say that tonight was probably the most fun Sunday night I’ve ever had. Sometimes you’ve just gotta say, “Yes!”
That’s a wrap.
This page is my sanctuary. The only place in the world where I can say the words that I cannot speak. You may wonder why I choose to put them out there for all to see. But they are hidden in plain sight. Only 1 person from my real-life has permission to read these words and they generally choose not to, it hurts them too much; makes them feel too much. That, I understand.
But to all others, I am anonymous. Just a girl on a page, in a country far from most of my readers’ homes. It find it staggering that as I sit here in the dark, in the silence of my spare bedroom – just the gentle click, click of my fingers across the keys, the moment I click ‘publish’ it will reach you. If it weren’t for the stats/internet searches page, I would have no idea that people in Indonesia read this. I have readers in India, U.S.A, Great Britain and Italy to name but a few. I am even informed whether this blog has been searched on an iPhone or android! The internet is an insanely powerful thing.
This is the place where I can breathe. Where it doesn’t hurt quite so much. No need to hold the mask firmly in place. Here I am alone. Here I am safe. Don’t get me wrong, I have some incredible friends but no-one should know everything. The only person that I am happy to know everything, chooses not to know and that’s ok. I get it. But they are welcome here anytime. They want to understand me and my illness – here it is in all its ugly yet beautiful glory.
Here I can reflect on who I am. Here I can establish that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. Here, I can think through all of the thoughts and experiences that generally go unsaid. As a child I used to keep a diary – I always have done in one form or another but the problem with diaries is that people can find them. People can read them. They could read your innermost thoughts and you’d not have a clue. That’s the beauty of blogging. It’s out there but you have to know where to look. If no-one reads it, I know. And if lots of people read it, I know.
There is no unknown with blogging. No hiding it in your underwear drawer when you hear someone coming. No packing it up when it comes to move house and then wondering “Where the fuck did my diary go?” Hidden in plain sight is so simple. My husband has asked to read this blog so many times. Each time I have said no. I have a right to privacy and he needs to respect that. He has no right to read this blog – if I wanted to say these things to him, I would. I’m sure that he must have searched for it. Thank fuck he’s never found it – there are a million and one bipolar blogs out there, the chances of finding mine are slim. I let the ugly and disturbing thoughts tumble from my brain onto the pristine white page, justify the text (I’m oh so OCD) click ‘publish’ and then delete history. Simple.
It’s amazing how something so simple can have such great value. This is my outlet. Without it, who knows what state I’d be in…