Intensity.

tumblr_inline_nqq1muAT8w1rp4zl0_400

I have this friend.  I’m almost certain that she’s in love with me.  Now, I’m bisexual so the fact that she flirts with me and finds any excuse to touch me, is not the issue here; it’s the fact that she’s my friend.  Is there anything more awkward than a friendship where one friend obviously has romantic feelings towards the other?  I think not.

The thing is, I’m not the sort of person that can have these sorts of conversations – I would rather the ground swallow me up than to actually address the elephant in the room.

I am no stranger to this situation, it has happened numerous times during my life. As a girl who is into girls but doesn’t actually tend to like socialising with them, I spend much of my time in the company of guys.  It was where I felt the most comfortable being myself and I never felt that I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t.  I could never seem to get my head around that fact that so many women seem to bond with each other by bitching about others.  What the actual fuck?!? Bitching has never been, nor ever will be, my style so if that’s a social component to being friends with a group of women? No thanks.

So over the years, I have had numerous close friendships with guys that have been so.fucking.perfect, until the, “Listen, there’s something I need to tell you…” opener.

FFS are you kidding me?  

There is nothing quite as uncomfortable as knowing that someone you have told your deepest, darkest secrets to, has secretly been harvesting feelings of a sexual nature towards you. Yeuch!!!  And it’s not that my guy friends were unattractive, some were pretty hot but it’s just icky knowing that they feel that way about you.

Now by no way do I think that I am God’s gift.  I’m not.  Please do not think that I am vain or full of myself, that couldn’t be further from the truth.  I’m merely recounting experiences.

So yeah, my friend.  She’s always been, shall we say… intense.  Not in a scary way, per say, but she has the most incredible memory and can recall pretty much everything I’ve ever told her and every time that I had ever cancelled on her. Warning bells anyone?

However, she is kind and supportive and would never knowingly hurt someone.  She was incredibly supportive about my condition and was keen to learn as much as she could about it.  I found this sweet; to a point. Until…

I used to use a range of private Bipolar groups on Facebook that I found to be an incredible source of support.  It was a private place where I could vent my feelings and talk about the struggles that I was going through that I didn’t feel that I could talk about in face-to-face situations.  It was an invaluable resource that I found solace in.  Until she joined the groups.  Yep, you heard me, she (who is not bipolar) joined the private support groups that I was using.  What the actual fuck?

I felt like she had completely violated my privacy.  It was as if she had read my diaries.  Although she never approached me about what I had written, I knew that she had seen my posts.  I know that in all honesty she probably joined the groups in order to gain further insight into my condition but  it was a step too far.  I’m not gonna lie, it freaked me out and made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.  As a result, I backed off.  I couldn’t bring myself to discuss it with her, it would be too uncomfortable but I was beyond pissed for some time.

More recently we have become closer again but the uncomfortable feelings are returning.  She knows that I am having a tough time at the moment and she likes to ‘check in’ with me.  It’s sweet, to a point.  However, she inundates me with texts, regardless of whether I reply or not.  When I see her and she can tell that I am not in a good place, she wants me to open up and tell her everything.  That is not something I am comfortable doing.  It is not something that I do in real-life, it’s what I do here in my blog, with complete anonymity.  It might sound fucked up but it’s how I am and how I feel most comfortable dealing with this illness.

I appreciate her friendship, I really do, but there is always going to be an emotional barrier on my part because I know that her feelings towards me are not purely platonic.  How can a friendship ever be completely genuine when one party wants something more? I don’t want her out of my life but she surely must realise that nothing is ever going to happen between us.

Ugh.

 

Advertisements